The Random News- Christmas Special 2009
Part I
Nick on Being Evil Dictator
Hello, my name is Nick and I am your Shin-Kickingly good Evil Dictator bringing you my story of the last year. It has been very VIOLENT and BOMBING the last few years, as all my time has been cramped with TORTURE and, of course SHIN KICKING. But, as it is Christmas, I must be DESTRUCTIVE. My record, as you SHOULD know by now, of SHIN-KICKINGS in one day is 548. It was a very BLOODY day indeed. So DEVASTATING as I ANNIHILATED the people's SHINS very MAJESTICLY. I have had a god year, as only 67565756565656 people has been DISINTERGRATED by Lava, confused by the lack of police, army, navy, stop signs, speed limits, eg... How PAINFUL your lives must be living under my rule. Especially you, Bob. And you, Mrs Lovely. Christmas wishes, and a totally FIREPOWER Christmas to you all.
PART II
Tennis Man: A Life in Words(Introducing Tennis Man)
Tennis Montgomery Man was born in Cleveland, Ohio in 1981 to parents Emelda Fistleheart, a weaver, and Johnny Gosh, the leader of sports on the recreational council of the heavens. Tennis Man’s purpose in life, even though he didn’t know it, was to prepare for being a God. He was to be the next God of sports, and the leader sport of this century was to be Tennis. So, when he graduated college in 2008, at age 27, he started a life of Tennis. All the tournament masters were informed to let him in, because he was a God, even though he was a disgrace to the game and an utter ego-tastic maniac. He was, however, considerate and nice. Enough. His first partner for the tournament was Dora Gizzella Lovely, former Advice Columnist for the Random News. Tennis Man missed every shot, dodged every ball, and couldn’t serve for steamed cheese. Luckily, Mrs Lovely’s amazing kind-of-mediocre skill guaranteed them 49th place out of 60. They went into the next round, and Mrs Lovely soonly quit. The only partner Tennis Man could take was Mrs Lovely’s all-time enemy, Janet Happiness, also a former Advise Columnist. That night, after finishing 39th, Tennis Man went to Mcdonalds, and was surprised to see Nick and Bob. He was pounded like a sheep with no fur on a purple Christmas in the galactic system of Fat Manz Blogg. His next tournament did not go so well, and Janet quit as well........................ To be Continued
Part III
The Fat Adventure-
1-Bob is chasing you. He has some how(don’t ask, you really don’t wanna know) resurrected himself in revenge of the BIG MAC incident(lost in the archive of space). He chases you all the way to Alaska.
To eat some chicken, go to 2
To fart in Bob’s face, go to 3
2. You go to chicken world. You order a chicken burger. You eat it. It’s inconveniently poisoned. YOU DIE
3. You fart so loud you win the medal of odor award (of your grandma!!!!!!!!!!). Bob is very ticked off with you. He chases you until you fall into an ACTIVE VOLCANO
To run for you life, go to 4
To just stand sill and enjoy the destructive light show, go to 5
4. You run. Some random guy trips you and you fall into the Mediterranean sea(which happens to be like 4 Bazillion miles away). A shark eats you. YOU DIE.
5. You stand still and decide to do a little dance. Bob is annoyed. You climb out of the volcano. Bob Chases you.
China- 6
Antarctica- 7
6. You dig a hole to China. A random Sumo wrestler sits on you. YOU DIE.
7. You fly (with some wings you rabidly ripped ff a random bird and super glued to your back) to Antarctica. Some penguins think you are their god. They worship you. Bob once again chases you.
To marry a penguin- go 8
To get the hell out of there- go to 9
8.You marry a penguin. A random penguin. HE hates you. HE shoots you. YOU DIE.
9. You run. With those Eagle wings you fly. You accidentally fall into the Pacific Ocean. You turn into a fish. A Pink fish. A Random Pink Fish.
To swim to Turkey, go to 10
To swim to Mexico, go to 11
10 You swim all the way to Turkey and get eaten by a Turkey. Who would have guessed? YOU DIE
11 You go to Mexico, realizing Bob is still marching with the Penguins, you decide to Relax. But Bob’s cousin, Bobarico, chases you.
To go to Brazil, go to 12
To go to Texas, go to 13
12. You use your magic hillbilly powers to teleport yourself to Brazil. Bob’s Mom, Bobbette, is there. She squishes you with her 50 ton belly. YOU DIE
13. You run all the way to Texas. Some random cowboy named “Stop Drop N Drool” whips you.
To break free, go to 14
To bribe your way out, go to 15
14 You break free. He tickles you. You are laughing so much you don’t realize you’ve been squished by a 50-ton anvil. YOU DIE
15.You say to the cowboy that you’ll give him $2 if you are set free. He sets you free.
To go to Uzbekistan, go to 16
To go to Scotland, go to 17
16. You go to Uzbekistan. You go to the WRONG Uzbekistan. The President shoots you. YOU DIE.
17.You go to Scotland. Bob’s cousin, Bobby McDonald, chases you.
To climb a mountain, go to 18
To go to England, go to 19
18. You climb a mountain. As you go up, you lose all Oxygen and start rolling down the mountain. At the bottom, you knock down bowling pins and get a strikes. One of the pins flies into your esophagus. You choke. YOU DIE.
19. You go to Buckingham Palace. The queen’s guard points an AK47 at your head. To surrender, go to 20
To run to Bob’s house, go to 21
20. You surrender. Some guy comes in and starts singing the Dora theme song and you are so bored YOU DIE
21 You walk into Bobs house. Bob isn’t there.
To wreck the place, go to 22
To be fat, go to 23
22 You wreck the place. You wreck THE WRONG PLACE. A 50-ton gerbil falls on your head. YOU DIE.
23You are fat. You sing the fat song.
To sing some more, go to 24, or to lose weight, go to 25.
24. You sing and are so bored YOU DIE
25 You lose your excess fat in exercising(DUH). You decide to go on vacation.
To go to Active Volcano Land, go to 26
To go to Canada, go to 27.
26. You decide to visit active volcano land. You meet Nick, who is on a shin-kicking rampage. You know the rest. YOU DIE
27. You visit Canada. You get punched by some guy. He marries you.
To get a divorce, go to 28
To burp, go to 29
28. You get a divorce. He uses his Hillbilly Powers. YOU DIE
29. You burp in his face. He is so ticked you get a divorce. You run.
To eat porridge, go to 30
To go to Sweden, go to 31
30. You eat some porridge. It has maggots in it. The maggots form a beard around your head and suck your brains out. YOU DIE
31. You visit Mike Hingerdingerdurgen, your Swedish cousin. He is sad. You ask him what is wrong. He says he met Steve Mcbobby, Bob’s Swedish cousin. You hate Mcbobby.
To nuke Hawaii, go to 32
To tickle Mcbobby, go to 33
32. You nuke Hawaii, and Hawaii nukes you back. YOU DIE
33. You tickle Mcbobby. Bob comes back and chases you some more.
To go to the Middle School, go to 34
To go to the High School ,go to 35.
34. Wow... The Middle School is a dump. There is loads of trash on the floor, there are meatballs on the walls, and Nick is there. YOU DIE
35. You enter the high school. Your friend, Jiggery Y. Pokery, is frozen in ice. You don’t even give a crap. Bob walks in. You walk out.
To go back in, go to 36
To go home, go to 37
36. WOW
37. You go to the WRONG HOME. Luckily Action Hero Buck E Wheeze saves you.
To go to Tanzania, go to 38
To go to Sao Tome and Principe, go to 49.
38. Welcome to Tanzania, where they export cashew nuts. You are Allergic to
cashew nuts. YOU DIE.
39. You go to the place with the really long name and get bored.
To go to Egypt, go to 40
To go to Transylvania(which is in Romania, hey, you’ve learned something!), go to 41.
40. You go to Egypt and meet some random guy claiming he is King Tut’s ghost. He says that ghosts can use the force but you think it’s a load of crap. You’re wrong. YOU DIE(but to no avail)
41. You meet Bob at Transylvania and you have the ultimate showdown and you win by using your nosehair as a whip. PWNAGE! YOU WIN THE WHOLE THING! DRACULA SALUTES YOU!
Part I
Nick on Being Evil Dictator
Hello, my name is Nick and I am your Shin-Kickingly good Evil Dictator bringing you my story of the last year. It has been very VIOLENT and BOMBING the last few years, as all my time has been cramped with TORTURE and, of course SHIN KICKING. But, as it is Christmas, I must be DESTRUCTIVE. My record, as you SHOULD know by now, of SHIN-KICKINGS in one day is 548. It was a very BLOODY day indeed. So DEVASTATING as I ANNIHILATED the people's SHINS very MAJESTICLY. I have had a god year, as only 67565756565656 people has been DISINTERGRATED by Lava, confused by the lack of police, army, navy, stop signs, speed limits, eg... How PAINFUL your lives must be living under my rule. Especially you, Bob. And you, Mrs Lovely. Christmas wishes, and a totally FIREPOWER Christmas to you all.
PART II
Tennis Man: A Life in Words(Introducing Tennis Man)
Tennis Montgomery Man was born in Cleveland, Ohio in 1981 to parents Emelda Fistleheart, a weaver, and Johnny Gosh, the leader of sports on the recreational council of the heavens. Tennis Man’s purpose in life, even though he didn’t know it, was to prepare for being a God. He was to be the next God of sports, and the leader sport of this century was to be Tennis. So, when he graduated college in 2008, at age 27, he started a life of Tennis. All the tournament masters were informed to let him in, because he was a God, even though he was a disgrace to the game and an utter ego-tastic maniac. He was, however, considerate and nice. Enough. His first partner for the tournament was Dora Gizzella Lovely, former Advice Columnist for the Random News. Tennis Man missed every shot, dodged every ball, and couldn’t serve for steamed cheese. Luckily, Mrs Lovely’s amazing kind-of-mediocre skill guaranteed them 49th place out of 60. They went into the next round, and Mrs Lovely soonly quit. The only partner Tennis Man could take was Mrs Lovely’s all-time enemy, Janet Happiness, also a former Advise Columnist. That night, after finishing 39th, Tennis Man went to Mcdonalds, and was surprised to see Nick and Bob. He was pounded like a sheep with no fur on a purple Christmas in the galactic system of Fat Manz Blogg. His next tournament did not go so well, and Janet quit as well........................ To be Continued
Part III
The Fat Adventure-
1-Bob is chasing you. He has some how(don’t ask, you really don’t wanna know) resurrected himself in revenge of the BIG MAC incident(lost in the archive of space). He chases you all the way to Alaska.
To eat some chicken, go to 2
To fart in Bob’s face, go to 3
2. You go to chicken world. You order a chicken burger. You eat it. It’s inconveniently poisoned. YOU DIE
3. You fart so loud you win the medal of odor award (of your grandma!!!!!!!!!!). Bob is very ticked off with you. He chases you until you fall into an ACTIVE VOLCANO
To run for you life, go to 4
To just stand sill and enjoy the destructive light show, go to 5
4. You run. Some random guy trips you and you fall into the Mediterranean sea(which happens to be like 4 Bazillion miles away). A shark eats you. YOU DIE.
5. You stand still and decide to do a little dance. Bob is annoyed. You climb out of the volcano. Bob Chases you.
China- 6
Antarctica- 7
6. You dig a hole to China. A random Sumo wrestler sits on you. YOU DIE.
7. You fly (with some wings you rabidly ripped ff a random bird and super glued to your back) to Antarctica. Some penguins think you are their god. They worship you. Bob once again chases you.
To marry a penguin- go 8
To get the hell out of there- go to 9
8.You marry a penguin. A random penguin. HE hates you. HE shoots you. YOU DIE.
9. You run. With those Eagle wings you fly. You accidentally fall into the Pacific Ocean. You turn into a fish. A Pink fish. A Random Pink Fish.
To swim to Turkey, go to 10
To swim to Mexico, go to 11
10 You swim all the way to Turkey and get eaten by a Turkey. Who would have guessed? YOU DIE
11 You go to Mexico, realizing Bob is still marching with the Penguins, you decide to Relax. But Bob’s cousin, Bobarico, chases you.
To go to Brazil, go to 12
To go to Texas, go to 13
12. You use your magic hillbilly powers to teleport yourself to Brazil. Bob’s Mom, Bobbette, is there. She squishes you with her 50 ton belly. YOU DIE
13. You run all the way to Texas. Some random cowboy named “Stop Drop N Drool” whips you.
To break free, go to 14
To bribe your way out, go to 15
14 You break free. He tickles you. You are laughing so much you don’t realize you’ve been squished by a 50-ton anvil. YOU DIE
15.You say to the cowboy that you’ll give him $2 if you are set free. He sets you free.
To go to Uzbekistan, go to 16
To go to Scotland, go to 17
16. You go to Uzbekistan. You go to the WRONG Uzbekistan. The President shoots you. YOU DIE.
17.You go to Scotland. Bob’s cousin, Bobby McDonald, chases you.
To climb a mountain, go to 18
To go to England, go to 19
18. You climb a mountain. As you go up, you lose all Oxygen and start rolling down the mountain. At the bottom, you knock down bowling pins and get a strikes. One of the pins flies into your esophagus. You choke. YOU DIE.
19. You go to Buckingham Palace. The queen’s guard points an AK47 at your head. To surrender, go to 20
To run to Bob’s house, go to 21
20. You surrender. Some guy comes in and starts singing the Dora theme song and you are so bored YOU DIE
21 You walk into Bobs house. Bob isn’t there.
To wreck the place, go to 22
To be fat, go to 23
22 You wreck the place. You wreck THE WRONG PLACE. A 50-ton gerbil falls on your head. YOU DIE.
23You are fat. You sing the fat song.
To sing some more, go to 24, or to lose weight, go to 25.
24. You sing and are so bored YOU DIE
25 You lose your excess fat in exercising(DUH). You decide to go on vacation.
To go to Active Volcano Land, go to 26
To go to Canada, go to 27.
26. You decide to visit active volcano land. You meet Nick, who is on a shin-kicking rampage. You know the rest. YOU DIE
27. You visit Canada. You get punched by some guy. He marries you.
To get a divorce, go to 28
To burp, go to 29
28. You get a divorce. He uses his Hillbilly Powers. YOU DIE
29. You burp in his face. He is so ticked you get a divorce. You run.
To eat porridge, go to 30
To go to Sweden, go to 31
30. You eat some porridge. It has maggots in it. The maggots form a beard around your head and suck your brains out. YOU DIE
31. You visit Mike Hingerdingerdurgen, your Swedish cousin. He is sad. You ask him what is wrong. He says he met Steve Mcbobby, Bob’s Swedish cousin. You hate Mcbobby.
To nuke Hawaii, go to 32
To tickle Mcbobby, go to 33
32. You nuke Hawaii, and Hawaii nukes you back. YOU DIE
33. You tickle Mcbobby. Bob comes back and chases you some more.
To go to the Middle School, go to 34
To go to the High School ,go to 35.
34. Wow... The Middle School is a dump. There is loads of trash on the floor, there are meatballs on the walls, and Nick is there. YOU DIE
35. You enter the high school. Your friend, Jiggery Y. Pokery, is frozen in ice. You don’t even give a crap. Bob walks in. You walk out.
To go back in, go to 36
To go home, go to 37
36. WOW
37. You go to the WRONG HOME. Luckily Action Hero Buck E Wheeze saves you.
To go to Tanzania, go to 38
To go to Sao Tome and Principe, go to 49.
38. Welcome to Tanzania, where they export cashew nuts. You are Allergic to
cashew nuts. YOU DIE.
39. You go to the place with the really long name and get bored.
To go to Egypt, go to 40
To go to Transylvania(which is in Romania, hey, you’ve learned something!), go to 41.
40. You go to Egypt and meet some random guy claiming he is King Tut’s ghost. He says that ghosts can use the force but you think it’s a load of crap. You’re wrong. YOU DIE(but to no avail)
41. You meet Bob at Transylvania and you have the ultimate showdown and you win by using your nosehair as a whip. PWNAGE! YOU WIN THE WHOLE THING! DRACULA SALUTES YOU!
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