These are all new Randome Newses to read!
The Random News
Issue (We forgot the Number but it's an issue)
by Cameron Johnson
August 2009
only $98086894758437
Grim Reaper Gets Fired- Job Available
Contents
Grim Reaper and 5 other gruesome jobs now available
Bob farts- shockwave induces spine-tingling blast
5 things the future will bring
Volcano Land Election Time
The Quiz(Part 2)
And More!
New Jobs Available!!!!
Hello Random News Readers! Recently, Grimmer Mcripper got fired from his position as the Grim Reaper. This job is now open and auditions will take place at 640 Awful Smell Road, Port Huron, Michigan on the 6th of September. The Awesome Death Society is looking for a slim, skeletal-faced, black-hooded scythe owner. If you think you are up to the job, call 1800- REAPER today.
If you don’t think being the grim reaper is for you, then why don’t you try out one these 4 other jobs available-
Tooth Fairy-
Fancy giving all your hard-earned money to children you don’t know who pull out there teeth to make a quick $? Well, you have to have wings, and a lot of money. So, call in today at 1800-TOOTH1 or email at toothfairysareawesome@gmail.com.
News Columnist-
Yes, we are hiring. Call us at 111-111-1111 for more info.
Mother Nature-
There are rules that are required for this job. You must be a mother, your favorite color must be green, and you must lover nature. Duh. If you are not these things and you sign up, you will be forced to eat the toenails of Anthony- Warrel Thompson.
Tarzan-
You may thing this job is crazy(which it is), but at least it isn’t as mind-bogglingly crazy as the word “Flagnardwigglerbottomyuongjiggleworthworthymanfromjigglylandofawesomness” which was recently added to the English, Spanish, and Polish dictionaries. You get to swing on vines, were nothing but a loin cloth, read absolutely nothing and be raised by gorillas! No facebook, Msn, Email, Twitter or TV for you! Yey! Call 248- JUNGLE for more info. You’ll get paid nothing in this job!!!
BOB FARTS- Shockwave induces spine-tingling blast!
Recently today, Bob Jorngijuger McFellyWly Boots Smith farted very loudly. In fact, his fart was so loud, he got in the Carlsberg Book of World Records for loudest fart, at 250 decibels. The blast of methane and various other unexplained gaseous phenomena tingled the spines of 16+ whales and 38 humans, making it the most damage produced by a single man’s fart ever. Winston Fartworthy, former world Champion, had this to say,
“I am utterly flabbergasted with joy that a person as worthy as Bob has completely demolished my record of 74 Decibels. I will be completely traumatized with complete amazement if someone breaks this record anytime soon. Good on you, Bob, this has been a well deserved win.”
Why the Window is a completely pointless item
by Jason Cranberry
I think the window is pointless. You know why? Because it just is. I mean, every time I look out of my window I can’t see because there is either 3 million miles of fog, it’s tipping it with acid rain, a volcano has erupted in my garden, or there is 20 inches of yellow snow. It’s soooo depressing.
That’s all I have to say.
How the world was created-in my opinion
by Carl Howzenheimer
It is a strange and wonderful world we live in. One has to wonder how it all began. Some people say it happened in a big bang, some people say it was made by a god, and some people believe it was sneezed out of the nose of a space giant. Well I think that’s a load of $!@#”)*^. The world was in fact created by Gorgyworgy, an alien company run by the great bowel replenisher of Uranus. This multi-billion space dollar company has been famous for materializing solar systems into existence for camoogyzillions of boringly long years, and, 5 billion years ago, created earth, as a dedication to the living Poop Monster of Flagazywoogerhoot. The Great Bowel Replenisher believes this is his 13th finest creation, and thinks that the species platypus is awesome.
The Top 5 Things the Future Will Bring
5. Talking Mantelpieces
Scientists predict that by 2070, electronics companies will have created talking mantel pieces, which will interact with humans and comment on the trophies placed on the mantel. Usually, however, scientist predict that the mantelpieces will insult you with countless yo mama jokes.
4. Butt Massagers
Yes, they are finally coming, butt massagers. It is announced that McDonalds are making every chair in their store a butt massager by 2017. That will be awesome.
3. Big Guns
The volcano land army has announced that in 38 years, there guns will be twice as big and powerful, but 3 times lighter, therefore they will have the most awesome army ever.
2. Playbox 379,000
This will be it, the most powerful gaming system ever. Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo, and Burger King are combining to make a 3,000 GB memory, HDDDDDDD graphics console that even Bill Gates won’t be able to afford. Over 3,000,000,000 games have been announced, and you’re not gonna be able to get one!
1. The Super House
Ever wanted to be on TV but they thing you’re too ugly? Don’t get mad, the super house will let you do all of this! You can be on any tv show, video game, music video, or movie ever made with the tocuh of a button. Also, a huge 5000 square foot virtual house you can customize and live in! Sweet!
Please not that you won’t be able o buy one because they won’t come out for another 3 million years.
VOLCANO LAND ELECTIONS!
Yes, they’re here, it’s time for Active Volcano land to elect it’s new evil dictator.
4 Nominees-
Nick Start-
Shin-kicking maniac. Known for his love of extremely violent video games, love of kicking, and weird al music.
Famous quote- “I Kick You!”
Tommy Pickles-
Known mostly for appearing on the show Rugrats. Fell down over 50 sewers in New Jersey, and loves to eat frozen donkeys.
Famous Quote- “Agaqazoogi is my main man”
Jamie McBigButt-
He is known for being a very tough fella and also having a huge butt. Expected to lose the voting.
Famous Quote- “I can’t fit into these size 70 trousers!”
Hillbilly Harry-
Known for having an IQ of 4. He is very lovably evil, steals money from pink-haired rabbits, and loves to eat radishes.
Famous Quote- “Doy, Doy, Doo-yee”
Issue (We forgot the Number but it's an issue)
by Cameron Johnson
August 2009
only $98086894758437
Grim Reaper Gets Fired- Job Available
Contents
Grim Reaper and 5 other gruesome jobs now available
Bob farts- shockwave induces spine-tingling blast
5 things the future will bring
Volcano Land Election Time
The Quiz(Part 2)
And More!
New Jobs Available!!!!
Hello Random News Readers! Recently, Grimmer Mcripper got fired from his position as the Grim Reaper. This job is now open and auditions will take place at 640 Awful Smell Road, Port Huron, Michigan on the 6th of September. The Awesome Death Society is looking for a slim, skeletal-faced, black-hooded scythe owner. If you think you are up to the job, call 1800- REAPER today.
If you don’t think being the grim reaper is for you, then why don’t you try out one these 4 other jobs available-
Tooth Fairy-
Fancy giving all your hard-earned money to children you don’t know who pull out there teeth to make a quick $? Well, you have to have wings, and a lot of money. So, call in today at 1800-TOOTH1 or email at toothfairysareawesome@gmail.com.
News Columnist-
Yes, we are hiring. Call us at 111-111-1111 for more info.
Mother Nature-
There are rules that are required for this job. You must be a mother, your favorite color must be green, and you must lover nature. Duh. If you are not these things and you sign up, you will be forced to eat the toenails of Anthony- Warrel Thompson.
Tarzan-
You may thing this job is crazy(which it is), but at least it isn’t as mind-bogglingly crazy as the word “Flagnardwigglerbottomyuongjiggleworthworthymanfromjigglylandofawesomness” which was recently added to the English, Spanish, and Polish dictionaries. You get to swing on vines, were nothing but a loin cloth, read absolutely nothing and be raised by gorillas! No facebook, Msn, Email, Twitter or TV for you! Yey! Call 248- JUNGLE for more info. You’ll get paid nothing in this job!!!
BOB FARTS- Shockwave induces spine-tingling blast!
Recently today, Bob Jorngijuger McFellyWly Boots Smith farted very loudly. In fact, his fart was so loud, he got in the Carlsberg Book of World Records for loudest fart, at 250 decibels. The blast of methane and various other unexplained gaseous phenomena tingled the spines of 16+ whales and 38 humans, making it the most damage produced by a single man’s fart ever. Winston Fartworthy, former world Champion, had this to say,
“I am utterly flabbergasted with joy that a person as worthy as Bob has completely demolished my record of 74 Decibels. I will be completely traumatized with complete amazement if someone breaks this record anytime soon. Good on you, Bob, this has been a well deserved win.”
Why the Window is a completely pointless item
by Jason Cranberry
I think the window is pointless. You know why? Because it just is. I mean, every time I look out of my window I can’t see because there is either 3 million miles of fog, it’s tipping it with acid rain, a volcano has erupted in my garden, or there is 20 inches of yellow snow. It’s soooo depressing.
That’s all I have to say.
How the world was created-in my opinion
by Carl Howzenheimer
It is a strange and wonderful world we live in. One has to wonder how it all began. Some people say it happened in a big bang, some people say it was made by a god, and some people believe it was sneezed out of the nose of a space giant. Well I think that’s a load of $!@#”)*^. The world was in fact created by Gorgyworgy, an alien company run by the great bowel replenisher of Uranus. This multi-billion space dollar company has been famous for materializing solar systems into existence for camoogyzillions of boringly long years, and, 5 billion years ago, created earth, as a dedication to the living Poop Monster of Flagazywoogerhoot. The Great Bowel Replenisher believes this is his 13th finest creation, and thinks that the species platypus is awesome.
The Top 5 Things the Future Will Bring
5. Talking Mantelpieces
Scientists predict that by 2070, electronics companies will have created talking mantel pieces, which will interact with humans and comment on the trophies placed on the mantel. Usually, however, scientist predict that the mantelpieces will insult you with countless yo mama jokes.
4. Butt Massagers
Yes, they are finally coming, butt massagers. It is announced that McDonalds are making every chair in their store a butt massager by 2017. That will be awesome.
3. Big Guns
The volcano land army has announced that in 38 years, there guns will be twice as big and powerful, but 3 times lighter, therefore they will have the most awesome army ever.
2. Playbox 379,000
This will be it, the most powerful gaming system ever. Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo, and Burger King are combining to make a 3,000 GB memory, HDDDDDDD graphics console that even Bill Gates won’t be able to afford. Over 3,000,000,000 games have been announced, and you’re not gonna be able to get one!
1. The Super House
Ever wanted to be on TV but they thing you’re too ugly? Don’t get mad, the super house will let you do all of this! You can be on any tv show, video game, music video, or movie ever made with the tocuh of a button. Also, a huge 5000 square foot virtual house you can customize and live in! Sweet!
Please not that you won’t be able o buy one because they won’t come out for another 3 million years.
VOLCANO LAND ELECTIONS!
Yes, they’re here, it’s time for Active Volcano land to elect it’s new evil dictator.
4 Nominees-
Nick Start-
Shin-kicking maniac. Known for his love of extremely violent video games, love of kicking, and weird al music.
Famous quote- “I Kick You!”
Tommy Pickles-
Known mostly for appearing on the show Rugrats. Fell down over 50 sewers in New Jersey, and loves to eat frozen donkeys.
Famous Quote- “Agaqazoogi is my main man”
Jamie McBigButt-
He is known for being a very tough fella and also having a huge butt. Expected to lose the voting.
Famous Quote- “I can’t fit into these size 70 trousers!”
Hillbilly Harry-
Known for having an IQ of 4. He is very lovably evil, steals money from pink-haired rabbits, and loves to eat radishes.
Famous Quote- “Doy, Doy, Doo-yee”
The Quiz(Part 2)
Here’s a quiz for you to do.
What is your favorite season?
a- Spring
b- Summer
c- autumn
d- winter
e- I love it all year round
f- They all suck
What is your dream job?
a- Street Sweeper
b- Life Guard
c- Grim Reaper
d- Santa Claus
e- Mother Nature
f- Evil Dictator
What would you name your first child?
a- Bouncy
b- Christina Aguilera
c- Grimm
d- Frosty
e- Flowery Person
f- Nick
How do you exercise?
a- Trampoline
b- Swimming
c- Reaping
d- Driving Bobsled
e- Running
f- Kick Boxing
What video games do you play?
a- Eye Toy
b- Olympics
c- Ones about Halloween
d- Snowboarding
e- Guitar hero
f- Violent Ones
Who is your hero?
a- Bugs Bunny
b- Michael Phelps
c- Grim Reaper
d- Santa
e- The Earth
f- Myself
Mostly A’s- You are a rabbit
Mostly B’s- You are very athletic
Mostly C’s- You are the Grim Reaper
Mostly D’s- You are either Santa or one of his reindeer
Mostly E’s- You can be anything you want, except Santa or Grim Reaper
Mostly F’s- You are Nick .
Here’s a quiz for you to do.
What is your favorite season?
a- Spring
b- Summer
c- autumn
d- winter
e- I love it all year round
f- They all suck
What is your dream job?
a- Street Sweeper
b- Life Guard
c- Grim Reaper
d- Santa Claus
e- Mother Nature
f- Evil Dictator
What would you name your first child?
a- Bouncy
b- Christina Aguilera
c- Grimm
d- Frosty
e- Flowery Person
f- Nick
How do you exercise?
a- Trampoline
b- Swimming
c- Reaping
d- Driving Bobsled
e- Running
f- Kick Boxing
What video games do you play?
a- Eye Toy
b- Olympics
c- Ones about Halloween
d- Snowboarding
e- Guitar hero
f- Violent Ones
Who is your hero?
a- Bugs Bunny
b- Michael Phelps
c- Grim Reaper
d- Santa
e- The Earth
f- Myself
Mostly A’s- You are a rabbit
Mostly B’s- You are very athletic
Mostly C’s- You are the Grim Reaper
Mostly D’s- You are either Santa or one of his reindeer
Mostly E’s- You can be anything you want, except Santa or Grim Reaper
Mostly F’s- You are Nick .
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